playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
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[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Lmao 🤣
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy