[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
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Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”