Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?