Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’



Me: to what?



I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.


If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.


They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*


My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.


If you feel like you’re going through a rough patch, just remember that it only lasts through adulthood.


The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.


[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”


Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?