Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.