Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?
Wife: Just something with chocolate
[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.