@SwirlySkittles: Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn't quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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@beefman138: Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives. Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
@DaddyJew: Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor
@Eightinchgoat: Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.
@psybermonkey: Duolingo [1 day] You forgot to practice [1 week] We miss you [1 month] Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin