Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Warm pools make me nervous.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Mornin
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes