Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet