Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”