playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
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As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Fidel Castro was alive?
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”