playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
You Might Also Like
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
Duolingo getting serious.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what