playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
me before I type out affect or effect
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.