Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.