*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.