*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
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I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
this has done me in for some reason
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together