[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
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[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
