[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
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Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Anime is real
