[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
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“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
This probably isn’t good