[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
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*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It鈥檚 too bright.
NASA: That鈥檚 not how things work ma鈥檃m.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it鈥檚 on you.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I鈥檓 allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn鈥檛 look like you鈥檙e allergic to round
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn鈥檛 understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I鈥檓 home alone for the first time in 45 years and I鈥檓 only 39
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she鈥檚 VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there鈥檚 any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
She posted me to the group chat and they said I鈥檓 handsome
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Lmao 馃ぃ
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn鈥檛 very happy about it, but it was time.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
i forgot my date鈥檚 name so i took her to Starbucks
We didn鈥檛 clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas