[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
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[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?