Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

If only.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

absolutely not

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

getting seasonal up in here

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back