*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
You Might Also Like
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism