*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
You Might Also Like
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
shut up and take my money
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
me as a parent
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left