*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
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Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
#SCOTUS one-star review
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.