[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
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[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.