Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
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JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.