Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.