Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
This will teach them to underestimate me
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
That’s fair
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them