Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
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My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
The Sun
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
That’s classic.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up