Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
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“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Phones down.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair