Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything