*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
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Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Kidney stones? Hard pass
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I’ll be mad as hell!
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I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
This guy’s not having it 😆
My wife has the worst taste in men.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site