Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
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my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.