Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Good morning.

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says