Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.