Pleading insanity in small claims court
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Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Customize Your Wedding.
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My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
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I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I’m already scared
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I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
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Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar