Pleading insanity in small claims court
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Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school