Pleading insanity in small claims court
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Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants