Pleading insanity in small claims court
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If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
very niche meme I made
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here