Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

We have a winner.

Let’s Go

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

Whoa… oh I see lol

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home