Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
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Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
due date
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Sooo many times…..
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse