Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it