Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.