Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
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21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
live, laugh, laundry.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill