Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

It will always be this

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.