Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
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Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind