Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
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Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.