Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
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So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Mhm.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
My biological clock is wheezing.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
🏙👨🏼
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.