Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

skipping every song that reminds me of him

-me, listing to the playlist i made for him

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?