Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
![]()
You Might Also Like
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
This is my brand.
![]()
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
![]()
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”