“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.