“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
choose your gary
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]