“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Candles never taste the way they smell
fr
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
pictures of spider-man
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Worlds greatest photobomb
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.