Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.