Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.