Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
constantly working on myself.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you