Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
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What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
No one can handle that
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Yup
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.