Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
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Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?