Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

Drilling for oil is well boring.

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

“you look easy to draw”

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

Meanwhile in Canada…

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.