Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.