Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

Yup

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.