Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Even the dumbest person on social media is still more intelligent than a dolphin.
And that saddens me deeply.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.