Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

*puts my mental health in rice

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

Planet of the Apps.

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.