“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
where the womens at?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.