“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Noah was an idiot.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.