Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

We cut our bangs at dawn.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

going to bed

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.