“Please be normal”
“Nope”
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I put the mess in domestic.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.