“Please be normal”
“Nope”
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Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
For the ones in the back.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
This is hilarious
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket