Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

never forget

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.