Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
You Might Also Like
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
The prophecy is fulfilled
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.