Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
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Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.