Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.