please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
You Might Also Like
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts