Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…