Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?