@fillthevacuum

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

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@RealDMK

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

@HatfieldAnne

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

@UnFitz

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

@ThaJawn

What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?

@thistallawkgirl

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

@Peauxtassium

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

@RamblingMachine

I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled “the meaning of dreams”.

@Home_Halfway

M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*

M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?

@crunchenhancer

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….