Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs