Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store


I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.


If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,


What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?


I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”


My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.


I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled “the meaning of dreams”.


M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*

M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?


She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….