Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

That de-escalated quickly

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

When news reporters do sports stories

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead