Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What my back needs

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

God has abandoned us.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.