Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

hello pervert is such a strong opener

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

one week till the election

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary